The Never Ending Heart Ache

My marriage was dead but I was so happy to still be alive. My marriage was an extremely long ten year rollercoaster. We met at work and it was love at first sight. I worked at a local department store located in the mall. I had recently moved from night time head cashier to night layaway lead. One chilly autumn evening, my manager yelled down the layaway steps, she wanted to introduce the new box boy. I looked up the steps and instantly felt something I have never felt before. It might sound goofy and slightly cliche but I swear when I looked up to welcome him, that there was a glow surrounding him. He was not my usual type at all. He was a country boy, the type of skinny but strong guy that worked on a farm. He was wearing Levis, a red Cornell hat, a rugged Carhardt jacket and work boots (my city friends called them shitkickers). I could not stop thinking about him. I could not wait to work with him the next night. When he came in to work though, I was so nervous. The entire night I was not myself and didn’t know how to act when I was around him. I was his boss so I needed to be somewhat professional but yet I wanted to flirt with him and tell him how I felt. I was wondering if it was appropriate for a girl to be upfront with a guy about her feelings. I quickly noticed that we shared the same feelings.

Our relationship was so hot and heavy from the start. We were inseparable and moved in together instantly. My parents didn’t understand why we rushed in so fast and didn’t agree with our choices. The honeymoon phase didn’t last long. Approximately three months after moving in to a cute little studio apartment, I got to see the real monster that he could become. I thought we were just having a conversation and I thought it was okay for me to open up about my feelings. I was trying to share my true feelings and I expressed the thoughts I was having about returning home to my parents’ house. He got very angry like nothing I had ever seen before. He pushed me down and hit me twice. It took my breathe away and I am not sure if he broke or bruised my ribs. This was my huge red flag and should have been the day I walked away. No, I should not have walked away, I should have ran as fast as I could. Instead I stayed because I got the speech that every abuser uses about how sorry they are and the promise that it would never happen again. Over ten years, I heard this speech about fifty or more times. We had some great times and I guess that is one of the biggest problems. It is so easy to remember and hope for the wonderful times. It was a wonderful feeling when we were around other couples, putting on a front, and others would state that they longed for the type of marriage we had. I have to admit that the excitement of arguing, yelling and even the fighting gave me a rush. It was such a high at first, then such a low then a high again when we made up or he brought me some type of small gift. I kept up this terrifying charade for ten long years.

One day my life changed when I finally put my foot down and said that I was done. It was heartbreaking to know that this chapter of my life was over. He is all I knew. I’d have to admit to my parents that they were right and I’d have to find a way to support myself. I always dreamed that what we had was an entire book, not just a single chapter. Then the reality hit me that if I had stayed with this man that I might not live to see the next chapter of my life. My life was about to change dramatically and so was I; for the better. It’s hard to think about the person that I was back then compared to the person that I have become. Ten years of physical and emotional abuse did major damage to my body and my mind. My husband had me believing that I was an undesirable woman and that no man would want me. When describing myself, the only words that would come to mind is short and fat. About six months after our divorce was final, I went out to a small bar that was holding a karaoke contest. I went with three of my good friends who knew that I needed a night out. We sipped on some drinks and had an incredibly fun time. I found out I loved amaretto sours that night and that after a few of them, I could sing. Most importantly, I found out that I was very desirable to men. I couldn’t count the number of times that I got hit on and was surprised when two men bought me drinks. It took me awhile but when I describe myself now, I would say positive things like I am cute, chubby, smart and independent.

It didn’t take long for the physical wounds to heal but I am still dealing with the emotional mess caused by this man. This was the death of my marriage but the birth of a new me. I did a ton of crying during the relationship, a ton of sobbing at the end of the marriage and for many years I have been concentrating on healing my heart. Even though my marriage has been over for many years, I still have some issues dealing with PTSD from the horrible attacks I went through. I suffer from depression and have been prescribed Prozac to help me deal with my many issues. He is currently on wife number three but I have never remarried because of the scars that he has left permanently on my body and especially on my heart. I am hoping that one day the memories will ease up and the fear will disappear. I am looking forward to moving on from heartbreak, heartache and disappointment to love and happiness.